Mating in captivity- Sex in a dead relationship
I would rather you rip my fucking heart out than suffer through indifference.
You know when you know. But you know. It’s there. The air is stuffy, the sky is black. YOU know. And yet, you do nothing about it. Complacency sets in and you succumb to the path of least resistance, allowing someone who you are not supposed to be with to wear you down like water over rock. Water made the Grand Canyon, you say... if only to jump off the cliff.
Sex transforms from an expression to a void. Love becomes a pit of emptiness. Misery strikes on a sunny day. It’s just a phase, right? Things will get better... When something is dead, it’s dead. There is no lie worse than the ones you tell yourself. It's called justification. You. Know!
It is terrifying to start over. That new beginning you so desperately crave and need is light years away. What’s standing between you and happiness? Oh I don’t know, broken hearts, mistrust, potential loneliness, Friday nights with empty Tequila bottles. And yet, you can’t breathe. It's tough, believe me, I have been there. I liked having someone who would invite me to the movies, even if I said no 2 out of 3 times. It was my choice to say no. Loneliness wasn't forced upon me. That partner provides stability and comfort but the excitement is gone. Nobody wants their love life to live in a cubicle.
Relationships should be freeing. Yes of course, there are basic ground rules of respect and dignity but what remains true is that the person you love will love you right back in a way that frees your heart, soul and unleashes your potential. Most of the time this self-imposed prison will not be noticeable at first. It is safe and comfortable, predictable- slowly but surely diluting your self worth and strangling your confidence. Society says that this is a good relationship, steady jobs, we both want kids, sure we disagree on Daft Punk, but that’s normal. The trap is set. Renegotiating your own value is a losing battle. That is the hill you want to die on.
It doesn’t have to be physically or even emotionally abusive, those are more overt. I’m referring to the deadbeat who is all talk and no action, or the girlfriend that cares more about appearances than substance. Look, in the moment, these partners have good intentions, a POV on life, and quite honestly, maybe they are admirable, fun, personable, charming, smart, and the parents like them… but not right for you. That’s the point. In a civilized society the rules and demands weigh down our personal expectations. Being safe and happy are not mutually exclusive, however, when the former is far more important than the latter, that’s when the walls begin to close in.
We want stability. As an introvert myself, I crave it. But if your partner, who you may love, and loves you right back in equal force, makes you content, then you will succumb to a destiny that reflects just that. You will become Red, Morgan Freeman's character in The Shawshank Redemption… Institutionalized.