Love is our escape of death, which is how to escape fear.
I suffer from a little known psychological ailment called High-Place phenomenon.
To say the word 'suffer' seems a bit contrived, as if I am a victim. However, I could be. There in lies the fear. High-Place phenomenon refers to that urge to jump off a cliff or any high place for that matter. I am deathly afraid of heights but I don’t actually have a problem with heights. I enjoy hiking up trails and looking out some office building 40-stories high. Flying isn't an issue, well sort of, I do tend to strangle the seats on the first couple bouts with turbulence but then I find a kid or baby completely oblivious to the entire situation and I calm down. Anyway, when I am looking over a cliff or a bridge or out of some rich asshole's balcony, I have an inherent urge to jump off. I don’t know where it comes from or why I do it but I have been aware of this since I was 10 years old. My family went on a cruise, and I can remember like it was yesterday, mainly because it is a memory that stays with me like a birthmark- looking down at the boat slicing through the whitecaps, I instinctively felt my leg creep up on the bannister. I wasn’t really controlling it. I wanted to jump. I had to jump. Something in my mind jolted me back to reality and I stepped back across the deck. No family was around. I was searching the ship on my own, but that was my first rush with death. I didn’t want to die. I was 10. I had no concept of it or what I was really giving up. I guess a couple decades later nothing has really changed in that department, except that an accident would probably be turned into a tragedy of some sort. Over the years I have analyzed the urge and I have concluded that jumping would allow me to be free. Completely weightless in the air, happy, surreal, like the real life version of Vanilla Sky with nothing holding onto me. Life does not exist until I splat across the earth and I cease to exist.
Maybe bungeejumping or skydiving will help.
As an adult, I am able to look over the edge and dare that urge to haunt me because I understand that what fights fear, is love. However, love is what people fear the most. More than spiders, more than corruption, more than planes falling from the sky, all of which I fear on a daily basis. Love works the same way, I look over the edge and I want to jump, to be weightless, happy, surreal, divine, but it could kill me. Maybe I should stop being a pussy.