Best Damn Bloody Mary Recipe Ever!

Best Damn Bloody Mary Recipe Ever!

Fresh Lemon Juice, Habanero Honey, Homemade Bloody Mary Mix, Celery Ice Cubes, Gin or… dun dun dun- Mezcal with a Chipotle, smoked salt rim.  

Get a Nutribullet, you don’t have a Nutribullet, a regular blender, you don’t have a regular blender, throw out the microwave and re-evaluate your perspective on health. Your body doesn’t have to be a temple, but you can’t treat it like a dump either. This is a post about alcohol…

Celery Ice Cubes: First and foremost, either the night before or early morning, dice up and blend 1 pound of celery in the Nutribullet. Pour into some ice trays, sprinkle with salt and freeze.

Lemon Juice: Squeeze lemons to make juice. Strain out the pulp. Enough said.

Habanero Honey: Combine a cup of honey, a cup of water and three habaneros in said Nutribullet. Only the skins. Take out the seeds, don’t be stupid, unless you’re a little crazy, in which case, I dare you. Blend and strain out. Let that sit in the fridge for a sec.

Chipotle Salt: Grind the dried Chipotle peppers and Maldon Smoked Salt in a coffee grinder.

Now to the fun part- the Tomato Mix: The reason for the season. The time for gorgeous, voluptuous, curvy heirloom tomatoes is right now. Go to the market. Squeeze a few. Soft yet firm, like they’re about to burst in your face. Those are the ones. Grab 3-4.

-Slice off the top, cube ‘em up and throw ‘em in the Nutribullet.

-Add in heavy pinch of black pepper, heavy pinch of salt, cayenne pepper, paprika, and a tablespoon of Worcestershire sauce.

  • The pain in the ass part is the following depending on your patience level… take the mix and strain through a cheesecloth. This will keep the flavor, make it effervescent and cleaner on the palate, which will allow for more of the honey, habanero and gin to come through.

Why Gin and not Vodka? Because Hemingway would be fucking embarrassed at the state of drinking in this country. To me, alcohol is the doorway to any culture. We Americans are known around the world for our Bourbon and Rye, but on the ground, everyone wants Vodka. Vodka. Vodka. Vodka. The Russians have successfully infiltrated our culture.

Gin back in the day during the roaring 20’s was the drink of choice. It was classy, it had flavor and vodka was treason and disgusting piss. Prohibition happened and every chump on every corner was trying to make a living with bathtub Gin, which was practically poison. That, expectedly, turned an entire generation of drinkers away from Gin. Then Don Draper’s crew, led by Roger Sterling, forged the opening for Vodka because they could have 3 or 4 at lunch and not return to the office smelling like a distillery.

Nowadays, it’s either for calories, or lack thereof, or not being educated, desiring the homogenized version. “I just want to get drunk.” Have an opinion. Go for flavor, for taste, for the enjoyment of the process not the quickest, most painless way to the end result. Vodka is like boiled chicken with no flavor, no, it’s actually steamed Tofu in a glass. Quick side note, when the fuck did drinking whiskey with cinnamon become something men do? Yes, Fireball, I’m talking to you. Anyway, back to the drink…

.75 oz lemon juice

.5 oz habanero honey

1.5 oz Tomato water

1.5 oz Gin or if you want to get nuts, use mezcal, you won’t regret it. You don’t know what mezcal is, use that one.

-Mix it up.

-Wet the glass rim with a lemon wedge, dip in the Chipotle and smoked salt, throw in the 3 celery ice cubes and pour the cocktail over.

Be amazed and enjoy!


Revolution is a catharsis, an ecstasy which can only be prolonged by tyranny.

Revolution is a catharsis, an ecstasy which can only be prolonged by tyranny.

Would you rather have Alzheimer’s or Erectile Dysfunction?

Would you rather have Alzheimer’s or Erectile Dysfunction?