To hurt someone I love worse is only to protect myself, and then shield myself in self hate.
The worst of myself comes out in a fight, as if a slice of my soul falls like an autumn leaf into a black hole. Each fight with someone you love is a loss of innocence. Something you can never retrieve whole, it can be mended, but never restored to purity. It creates a blemish on your psyche. Relationships are built on the foundation of these blemishes just as the idea of purity is the blemish on society’s psyche. It is the unattainable.
Thoughts of retaliation poison my brain. I bleed guilt.
I think that perfection creates depression. We are raised to think in terms of right and wrong when really, both of those options are shaded in degrees of value and integrity. When I fight with the person I love most, it is usually a fight with myself. It is me lashing out at what went wrong, and instead of trying to mend the situation, I want to break it down, destroy it into oblivion until the issue no longer exists. Out of sight out of mind. I only hate myself more. In that time, reflect.
The air is cleanest after a hard rain. Breathe it in.